Today on my campus, there was a huge anti-choice display. We're talking a 20ft tall, 30ft long, big disgusting display of what they would like to tell you abortion looks like, and how it is not humane. This thing was right in the middle of campus, in a place where you could not avoid it, at all. There was a sign that said "warning: graphic pictures ahead" which most people saw AFTER seeing the actual display. The thing took up the entire grassy area where people normally relax during their day, especially on such a beautiful sunny day such as today. I am disgusted.
Beyond my opinions about their opinion, I find this display highly inappropriate. I get free speech, but people have the right to not listen to the bullshit you have the right to spout. No one could avoid this display, it was as big as a ride at an amusement park.
And the thing that really pisses me off is that they say that they're doing this for the women. They're saving the women from the emotional trauma of having an abortion, because women can't be trusted to appropriately deal with the consequences of their choices. Especially the emotional consequences. They need to be protected from the consequences of freedom, so let's take their rights away. (I call bullshit)
What about the women who have had an abortion? How is this disgusting display protecting them from further emotional trauma. Or how about the emotional trauma of having to go through a pregnancy you do not want, and having a child you do not want? What about the emotional trauma the child will go through when they grow up knowing they were not wanted, either because the mother makes it clear or they are adopted. What about that?
It's not like abortion is an easy decision or process. I've been there, I know.
When I was fifteen, I found out I was pregnant with the potential child of the man who was abusing me. Of course I had an abortion, it was my only choice. If I were to tell him, he would have beaten me, blamed me for getting pregnant, for not being on birth control, whatever. I would have probably lost the baby anyways.
And then there was the whole issue of telling my parents. "hey mom and dad, you know how I'm not allowed to date and I'm supposed to wait until I'm married to have sex... well, I'm pregnant." This was not going to happen, I would have been kicked out.
Add the fact that I was totally fucked up on drugs to the whole equation and abortion was the right choice for me to make. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. It was also the best decision I've ever made. For me and the potential life that then inhabited my uterus.
Regardless of that, it was not a fun process, and I would do almost anything to never have to go through it again. It was physically painful, really dangerous (because I couldn't go to a decent clinic without telling my parents), really expensive, and emotionally traumatic. And seeing those signs on campus today was a lot more than I could handle.
What I think they should do, if they really care about women, is to put all that money and energy into education. Fund some comprehensive sex-education programs that teach about protection (barrier and hormonal), sexuality, peer pressure, interpersonal violence, and how to say no until you're ready. Keeping in mind that kids will have sex, it's fun, we were built for it, and abstinence is not the only option. To think otherwise is unrealistic.
Of course, these organizations do not really care about women, or fetuses. They care about keeping women from having rights. They always have, always will. That's why we need to continue fighting for reproductive freedom. It's not just about the right to an abortion, it's about the right to do what you will with your body. From sexual activity to sexual reassignment surgery, it all comes down to freedom of choice. If they take one right away, what else will they take?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
It Comes with Privilege: on being Cissexual
Yesterday, I wrote about how women are disconnected with their vaginas, and sometimes hate them based on societal cues about what is acceptable and not acceptable. While this is completely valid for many women, there are other women who do not have the privilege of having a vagina to hate. And many men who have vaginas that they hate more than words can express, and not for the same reasons that women hate their vaginas.
Time for a little trans 101:
Transsexual: For the purposes of this post, we're going to say that someone who is transsexual feels as though they were born in the wrong body and they are either in the process of, planning on, or already have taken action to change those body parts in order to match their gender identity. Trans means change, sex means biological.
*note, not everyone agrees with this definition, and that is ok. This is just the one I'm using for the purposes of this post.
Cissexual: Cis meaning same, sex meaning biological. Someone who is cissexual (or cisgender in some uses of the term) feels as though they were born in the correct body and feels no need to change their genitalia due to gender identity.
And while we're at it, let's quickly go over the difference between biological sex and gender identity. Just so we're all on the same page.
Biological Sex is what's in your pants, or skirt, or whatever. You can be Female, Male, or Intersex. And there are a couple different types of intersex, but I don't know too much about that so I'm not going to try to explain it, just in-case I fuck it up.
Gender Identity is who you feel like in your head. I see it as a spectrum from feminine to masculine, but sort of a scatter-plot of a spectrum. Most people identify somewhere in between masculine and feminine, but some people identify outside of that spectrum altogether. That, however, is another blog post.
Sometimes gender identity coincides with biological sex, but sometimes it does not. Society says that it does, and when it does then female bodied people are expected to be feminine, male bodied people are expected to be masculine. There is not supposed to be a grey area, and intersex people don't really exist. Super black and white.
So, cissexual people often fall into the category of genetalia-matches-gender-identity and they have very few problems navigating within society with regards to their bodies. A cissexual woman may have a distant relationship with her vagina, she may hate how it looks, and she may never touch it, but she does not feel as though it is the wrong part.
A transsexual woman, however, is sickened by her "down there" everyday until she gets surgery to change it. Same with a transsexual man. This dysphoria is something that I will never fully understand.
I am cissexual. I do not hate my cunt, at all. And regardless of how I may feel about my chest, stomach, hips or thighs (and how they all need to be smaller), I will never know what it feels like to be born in the wrong body. I will never go through sexual reassignment surgery, because I do not feel as though I need to reassign my sex. This makes me part of the majority, and that comes with privilege.
I have cissexual privilege. I have it, and I need to be aware of it. At some point I will need to use it to help those who don't have the same privilege. See, just because I can't quite identify with the feelings that others have does not mean that I can't help.
Think of it as a spiderweb. These things are so amazingly engineered, it's awesome. The inside of the spiderweb takes all of the impact, and therefore is the strongest part of the web. The outside is where resources like food and water are gathered. People with privilege are on the outside of the web. They have more access to resources, but are so far apart sometimes that they don't see the inside of the web, where all the people without privilege are. The people on the inside of the web are those with less privilege, and less access to resources. These are also the people who have more shit to deal with. They take the beating.
So, me and my privilege have access to resources that can help break down transphobia and cissexism. But I cannot do it alone. If I break down my little piece of the web, that spider will come right back and fix it. No real damage done to the web, or transphobia. But if the people on the inside of the web break down their piece of the web, that's a whole other story. This does some real damage to the web.
So, my privilege and I come in by helping those on the inside break down the web, because they need the resources to do damage. We all need to work together.
Bottom line: use your privilege wisely.
Time for a little trans 101:
Transsexual: For the purposes of this post, we're going to say that someone who is transsexual feels as though they were born in the wrong body and they are either in the process of, planning on, or already have taken action to change those body parts in order to match their gender identity. Trans means change, sex means biological.
*note, not everyone agrees with this definition, and that is ok. This is just the one I'm using for the purposes of this post.
Cissexual: Cis meaning same, sex meaning biological. Someone who is cissexual (or cisgender in some uses of the term) feels as though they were born in the correct body and feels no need to change their genitalia due to gender identity.
And while we're at it, let's quickly go over the difference between biological sex and gender identity. Just so we're all on the same page.
Biological Sex is what's in your pants, or skirt, or whatever. You can be Female, Male, or Intersex. And there are a couple different types of intersex, but I don't know too much about that so I'm not going to try to explain it, just in-case I fuck it up.
Gender Identity is who you feel like in your head. I see it as a spectrum from feminine to masculine, but sort of a scatter-plot of a spectrum. Most people identify somewhere in between masculine and feminine, but some people identify outside of that spectrum altogether. That, however, is another blog post.
Sometimes gender identity coincides with biological sex, but sometimes it does not. Society says that it does, and when it does then female bodied people are expected to be feminine, male bodied people are expected to be masculine. There is not supposed to be a grey area, and intersex people don't really exist. Super black and white.
So, cissexual people often fall into the category of genetalia-matches-gender-identity and they have very few problems navigating within society with regards to their bodies. A cissexual woman may have a distant relationship with her vagina, she may hate how it looks, and she may never touch it, but she does not feel as though it is the wrong part.
A transsexual woman, however, is sickened by her "down there" everyday until she gets surgery to change it. Same with a transsexual man. This dysphoria is something that I will never fully understand.
I am cissexual. I do not hate my cunt, at all. And regardless of how I may feel about my chest, stomach, hips or thighs (and how they all need to be smaller), I will never know what it feels like to be born in the wrong body. I will never go through sexual reassignment surgery, because I do not feel as though I need to reassign my sex. This makes me part of the majority, and that comes with privilege.
I have cissexual privilege. I have it, and I need to be aware of it. At some point I will need to use it to help those who don't have the same privilege. See, just because I can't quite identify with the feelings that others have does not mean that I can't help.
Think of it as a spiderweb. These things are so amazingly engineered, it's awesome. The inside of the spiderweb takes all of the impact, and therefore is the strongest part of the web. The outside is where resources like food and water are gathered. People with privilege are on the outside of the web. They have more access to resources, but are so far apart sometimes that they don't see the inside of the web, where all the people without privilege are. The people on the inside of the web are those with less privilege, and less access to resources. These are also the people who have more shit to deal with. They take the beating.
So, me and my privilege have access to resources that can help break down transphobia and cissexism. But I cannot do it alone. If I break down my little piece of the web, that spider will come right back and fix it. No real damage done to the web, or transphobia. But if the people on the inside of the web break down their piece of the web, that's a whole other story. This does some real damage to the web.
So, my privilege and I come in by helping those on the inside break down the web, because they need the resources to do damage. We all need to work together.
Bottom line: use your privilege wisely.
My Vagina, My Vagina, Me
also published in the Feministing.com community blog. see it at
http://community.feministing.com/2011/04/04/my-vagina-my-vagina-me/
This weekend, I performed in The Vagina Monologues. I would love to go on and on about how amazing the entire experience was and how great our cast was, and how it was a great bonding experience that will bring our feminist community on campus together. Or even how we raised a whole lot of money for a really necessary office on campus. But, this post is not about that.
No, this post is for a woman whose name I never learned. A woman who probably does not realize that it is her, and not the performance, that inspired me. I met her after the Friday night performance, and I may never be the same.
This woman was an older woman, maybe in her fifties or sixties. She was short and quiet, and had a limp. She did not seem very sure of herself, but she needed to tell me something. She waited quietly as I socialized with other members of the audience, my conservative parents included, she waited as the crowd died down, she waited as we cleaned up for the night. She waited, and she mustered, and she glowed.
Finally, she came up to me. She told me that she has a mirror at home, and that she would, finally, after all these years, look at her vagina for the first time, and she expected that she would be in awe. She was inspired by our performance. She was inspired by what we did. She was inspired to do something that is not socially acceptable, or even spoken of. She said she was inspired by us.
Wow. I can't begin to explain how amazing this makes me feel. And also, how sad. How sad is it that we live in a culture where a woman can go her entire life without looking at her vagina, or having an orgasm? How did we become so disconnected from our own body part? It's as normal to have as an arm, or a toe, yet far more integral.
Tampons even have applicators so that we don't have to touch it.
Something went drastically wrong here. See, a man would never go that long without looking at his penis, or pleasuring himself. It is expected and even celebrated when a man is proud of his penis, whereas even saying vagina makes a woman uneasy.
It was not always like this. At one time, the vagina, or cunt as i like to call it, was revered as the center of creative power. Women were revered because of the amazing things our bodies can do. We bleed with the moon, we create life, and we have earth shattering orgasms, sometimes many in a night. When did this stop being awe inspiring? When did vaginas become dirty?
I don't know those answers. Maybe I will someday. What I do know is that this lack of respect for women, and their vaginas needs to end. Just think what could happen is we all started loving ourselves. Women and men, and everyone on between. When our bodies stopped being the enemy and we weren't trying to either adhere to, tear down, or enforce these crazy ideals and boxes and roles. If we could all just... be. How great would that feel?
How many stress related disorders would no longer exist?
Just a thought to leave you with for now.
http://community.feministing.com/2011/04/04/my-vagina-my-vagina-me/
This weekend, I performed in The Vagina Monologues. I would love to go on and on about how amazing the entire experience was and how great our cast was, and how it was a great bonding experience that will bring our feminist community on campus together. Or even how we raised a whole lot of money for a really necessary office on campus. But, this post is not about that.
No, this post is for a woman whose name I never learned. A woman who probably does not realize that it is her, and not the performance, that inspired me. I met her after the Friday night performance, and I may never be the same.
This woman was an older woman, maybe in her fifties or sixties. She was short and quiet, and had a limp. She did not seem very sure of herself, but she needed to tell me something. She waited quietly as I socialized with other members of the audience, my conservative parents included, she waited as the crowd died down, she waited as we cleaned up for the night. She waited, and she mustered, and she glowed.
Finally, she came up to me. She told me that she has a mirror at home, and that she would, finally, after all these years, look at her vagina for the first time, and she expected that she would be in awe. She was inspired by our performance. She was inspired by what we did. She was inspired to do something that is not socially acceptable, or even spoken of. She said she was inspired by us.
Wow. I can't begin to explain how amazing this makes me feel. And also, how sad. How sad is it that we live in a culture where a woman can go her entire life without looking at her vagina, or having an orgasm? How did we become so disconnected from our own body part? It's as normal to have as an arm, or a toe, yet far more integral.
Tampons even have applicators so that we don't have to touch it.
Something went drastically wrong here. See, a man would never go that long without looking at his penis, or pleasuring himself. It is expected and even celebrated when a man is proud of his penis, whereas even saying vagina makes a woman uneasy.
It was not always like this. At one time, the vagina, or cunt as i like to call it, was revered as the center of creative power. Women were revered because of the amazing things our bodies can do. We bleed with the moon, we create life, and we have earth shattering orgasms, sometimes many in a night. When did this stop being awe inspiring? When did vaginas become dirty?
I don't know those answers. Maybe I will someday. What I do know is that this lack of respect for women, and their vaginas needs to end. Just think what could happen is we all started loving ourselves. Women and men, and everyone on between. When our bodies stopped being the enemy and we weren't trying to either adhere to, tear down, or enforce these crazy ideals and boxes and roles. If we could all just... be. How great would that feel?
How many stress related disorders would no longer exist?
Just a thought to leave you with for now.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Why is my Body Under Attack?
Has anyone else noticed the amount of CRAZY coming out of the government lately? It's all getting fucked up, there are state and federal bills being proposed and passed that target women and our uteruses.
In Colorado last election, we had to deal with Amendment 62 which would have defined life as starting at conception. This would have made abortion, the morning after pill, and some other forms of hormonal birth control (including IUDs and The Pill) illegal. This was absolutely crazy pants, but we defeated it. *big sigh*
However, in that same election, we wound up with a republican majority in congress, and they have gone off the deep end with federal cuts that target women. There was a bill to cut federal funding for Planned Parenthood, another that redefined rape as only forcible, and another that would have cut funding from the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). And that's only the ones that made the news.
At the state level, things are just as crazy. In Georgia, there were a few bills proposed by representative Bobby Franklin. First, he wants women who have miscarriages to be investigated for murder, by uterus police. Really? Then, in that same week, he proposed another bill that would change the language in judicial proceedings to calling a victim of sexual assault who chooses to report the "accuser" and the perpetrator the "accused." So, you get your house broken into and you're a victim, you get your cunt broken into and you're an "accuser" sorry, but shit don't work like that.
Other states have passed bills that would make cases such as Dr.Tiller's murder legal because they were defending their personal beliefs. Again, shit don't work like that. You can't murder someone and have it be OK, under ANY circumstance other than self defense. And even then, the lines are blurry.
So, there are all these bills out there. People have gone crazy in the government, and somehow this bullshit is passing in congress. What are we going to do about it? Aside from slamming our heads on the table in frustration, of course.
There are rallies being held by pro-choice organizations such as NARAL Pro choice and Planned Parenthood. If you're close to a city where one of those is being held, please try to make it. If not, maybe hold your own rally? Especially if you're a student on a college campus it really doesn't take that much work to hold a rally. I empower you to do it, if it's in Colorado, I'll be there. If you don't want to hold your own rally, attend whatever is happening near you. Any support is helpful.
Other things you can do: Support organizations in your community that support women. Attend The Vagina Monologues, I'm sure there's a performance near anyone in the United States. All of the proceeds from any production of The Vagina Monologues go to organizations that serve women, specifically survivors of interpersonal violence.
You can also volunteer at organizations that support women. These organizations are always looking for people to help with phone banks or putting together literature. Maybe go canvassing closer to election time.
Or, call your representative. If they know that we care about these things, they will be more likely to vote against all this crazy bullshit, and more likely to vote for the few good things that come up.
So, small steps can make a difference. Don't worry, you can make a difference even when things seem overwhelming. For more tips, check out Shelby Knox's article on Abortion Gang on how to deal with this bullshit.
http://abortiongang.org/2011/03/a-pro-choice-activist%E2%80%99s-guide-to-surviving-state-legislative-season/
In Colorado last election, we had to deal with Amendment 62 which would have defined life as starting at conception. This would have made abortion, the morning after pill, and some other forms of hormonal birth control (including IUDs and The Pill) illegal. This was absolutely crazy pants, but we defeated it. *big sigh*
However, in that same election, we wound up with a republican majority in congress, and they have gone off the deep end with federal cuts that target women. There was a bill to cut federal funding for Planned Parenthood, another that redefined rape as only forcible, and another that would have cut funding from the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). And that's only the ones that made the news.
At the state level, things are just as crazy. In Georgia, there were a few bills proposed by representative Bobby Franklin. First, he wants women who have miscarriages to be investigated for murder, by uterus police. Really? Then, in that same week, he proposed another bill that would change the language in judicial proceedings to calling a victim of sexual assault who chooses to report the "accuser" and the perpetrator the "accused." So, you get your house broken into and you're a victim, you get your cunt broken into and you're an "accuser" sorry, but shit don't work like that.
Other states have passed bills that would make cases such as Dr.Tiller's murder legal because they were defending their personal beliefs. Again, shit don't work like that. You can't murder someone and have it be OK, under ANY circumstance other than self defense. And even then, the lines are blurry.
So, there are all these bills out there. People have gone crazy in the government, and somehow this bullshit is passing in congress. What are we going to do about it? Aside from slamming our heads on the table in frustration, of course.
There are rallies being held by pro-choice organizations such as NARAL Pro choice and Planned Parenthood. If you're close to a city where one of those is being held, please try to make it. If not, maybe hold your own rally? Especially if you're a student on a college campus it really doesn't take that much work to hold a rally. I empower you to do it, if it's in Colorado, I'll be there. If you don't want to hold your own rally, attend whatever is happening near you. Any support is helpful.
Other things you can do: Support organizations in your community that support women. Attend The Vagina Monologues, I'm sure there's a performance near anyone in the United States. All of the proceeds from any production of The Vagina Monologues go to organizations that serve women, specifically survivors of interpersonal violence.
You can also volunteer at organizations that support women. These organizations are always looking for people to help with phone banks or putting together literature. Maybe go canvassing closer to election time.
Or, call your representative. If they know that we care about these things, they will be more likely to vote against all this crazy bullshit, and more likely to vote for the few good things that come up.
So, small steps can make a difference. Don't worry, you can make a difference even when things seem overwhelming. For more tips, check out Shelby Knox's article on Abortion Gang on how to deal with this bullshit.
http://abortiongang.org/2011/03/a-pro-choice-activist%E2%80%99s-guide-to-surviving-state-legislative-season/
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Vote With Your Money, Honey
So, most monday nights I go to a local gay night club for their weekly Ru Paul's Drag Race viewing party. These viewing parties and the show itself are sponsored by Absolut Vodka, we watch the show with all of the commercials cut except for the ones advertising Absolut, and the drag queen who hosts the viewing party is constantly telling us to drink some Absolut. They even give away a bottle of Absolut each night.
One would think that Absolut, or any other company that advertises on LGBT oriented television is gay friendly, right? But are they? Do they love the gays, or our wallets?
This is not a discussion that hasn't been had before, this idea of whether my generation is the gay movement, or the gay market. We talked about it when Absolut (yes, the same vodka) came out with a special edition pride bottle that was decorated with a rainbow. We've discussed it when it comes to Coors supporting ANYTHING gay.
Most people think that Coors is apologizing for being anti-gay back around stonewall. Back then, we really were a movement, and we boycotted Coors for their anti-gay policies. And they listened. That, is voting with your dollar.
However, somewhere between boycotting Coors and now, we went from boycotting anti-gay companies to supporting gay friendly looking companies. This comes from a good place, that is, supporting LGBTQ and ally owned businesses. But, the companies caught on and, though they may have anti-LGBT policies, advertise during shows geared to LGBT individuals or on LGBT channels (like LOGO and Bravo). Because many individuals are too busy or lazy to do any research on the actual policies the company operates under, we just assume that these companies are LGBTQ friendly.
It used to be mostly alcohol companies that used this marketing plan, but now it's everyone from travel companies to electronics stores. This is not to say that all of these companies have anti-LGBTQ policies, although some do *ahem... Best Buy and Target...* but think about this for a second, we as a market have a lot of power. We as a movement have a lot to achieve.
Why the fuck are we not doing our research? We could, with just our choices of where to shop and what to buy, create some serious change. It's not the only thing we as a movement need to be doing, but it helps, because every small step helps.
Be a movement, not a market. Support companies that actually support LGBTQ rights. Don't support those who don't. See what happens, it might just change some things.
Remember, we are powerful.
One would think that Absolut, or any other company that advertises on LGBT oriented television is gay friendly, right? But are they? Do they love the gays, or our wallets?
This is not a discussion that hasn't been had before, this idea of whether my generation is the gay movement, or the gay market. We talked about it when Absolut (yes, the same vodka) came out with a special edition pride bottle that was decorated with a rainbow. We've discussed it when it comes to Coors supporting ANYTHING gay.
Most people think that Coors is apologizing for being anti-gay back around stonewall. Back then, we really were a movement, and we boycotted Coors for their anti-gay policies. And they listened. That, is voting with your dollar.
However, somewhere between boycotting Coors and now, we went from boycotting anti-gay companies to supporting gay friendly looking companies. This comes from a good place, that is, supporting LGBTQ and ally owned businesses. But, the companies caught on and, though they may have anti-LGBT policies, advertise during shows geared to LGBT individuals or on LGBT channels (like LOGO and Bravo). Because many individuals are too busy or lazy to do any research on the actual policies the company operates under, we just assume that these companies are LGBTQ friendly.
It used to be mostly alcohol companies that used this marketing plan, but now it's everyone from travel companies to electronics stores. This is not to say that all of these companies have anti-LGBTQ policies, although some do *ahem... Best Buy and Target...* but think about this for a second, we as a market have a lot of power. We as a movement have a lot to achieve.
Why the fuck are we not doing our research? We could, with just our choices of where to shop and what to buy, create some serious change. It's not the only thing we as a movement need to be doing, but it helps, because every small step helps.
Be a movement, not a market. Support companies that actually support LGBTQ rights. Don't support those who don't. See what happens, it might just change some things.
Remember, we are powerful.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
'Aint gonna tie me down: Thoughts on Polyamory and Non-monagamy
Polyamory: the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Non-monogamy: a blanket term which covers several types of interpersonal relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds.
Thank you, Wikipedia, for the definitions. Note, that this has nothing to do with The Mormon church.
These alternative relationship models have been on my mind lately. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I have tried an open relationship. That didn't work, but that had to do with other issues within the relationship to start with. So, I'm curious.
I have some friends who are poly and it works really well for them. I also have monogamous friends and that works for them too. I don't know what works for me yet.
A good friend described her form of polyamory to me as a way to meet all of her needs without putting unreasonable expectations on one person. So she can be in romantically attracted to one person, sexually attracted to another, or many others, and have a make-out buddy and a cuddle buddy, etc. Each of us has a unique set of needs, and in this situation one person is not expected to fulfill them all.
This piece, I think is brilliant. I've had so many relationships fail because my partner was not meeting all of my needs, or I was not meeting theirs. Or we had different expectations for the relationship. I know I'm not the only one who has had these problems. Problems that can't always be solved by more effective communication.
However, I also think, that polyamorous relationships could get very complicated. People get jealous, they get angry, and things are miscommunicated. Maybe the initial rules of the relationship were not exactly what one person had in mind, or the communication piece got totally screwed up. Hearts got broken, relationships ended.
But, this is something that happens in monogamous relationships, right? Maybe, because the rules and expectations necessarily need to be negotiated in the beginning of the relationship, this could foster better communication within the relationship. If all parties involved are good at that sort of thing.
I don't have any answers about how poly and non-monogamous relationships work, or if they do. It's different for everyone, because everything is different for everyone. And that's beautiful, it would be boring if everything were as black and white as a "one-size-fits-all" relationship model, or way of living.
Anyways, I think that everyone operates differently and some of us haven't figured out how we operate yet. That's ok too. When I figure out how I operate, I'll let you know, but right now I think I might experiment. That's what these years are for, figuring out who we are.
Identity is constantly changing, and the road to figuring out who you are is an adventure. Sometimes you have to take risks. This is how we grow, by challenging the norm and experimenting with the unknown. If we stop growing, we die. I'm not ready to stop growing, are you?
Non-monogamy: a blanket term which covers several types of interpersonal relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds.
Thank you, Wikipedia, for the definitions. Note, that this has nothing to do with The Mormon church.
These alternative relationship models have been on my mind lately. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I have tried an open relationship. That didn't work, but that had to do with other issues within the relationship to start with. So, I'm curious.
I have some friends who are poly and it works really well for them. I also have monogamous friends and that works for them too. I don't know what works for me yet.
A good friend described her form of polyamory to me as a way to meet all of her needs without putting unreasonable expectations on one person. So she can be in romantically attracted to one person, sexually attracted to another, or many others, and have a make-out buddy and a cuddle buddy, etc. Each of us has a unique set of needs, and in this situation one person is not expected to fulfill them all.
This piece, I think is brilliant. I've had so many relationships fail because my partner was not meeting all of my needs, or I was not meeting theirs. Or we had different expectations for the relationship. I know I'm not the only one who has had these problems. Problems that can't always be solved by more effective communication.
However, I also think, that polyamorous relationships could get very complicated. People get jealous, they get angry, and things are miscommunicated. Maybe the initial rules of the relationship were not exactly what one person had in mind, or the communication piece got totally screwed up. Hearts got broken, relationships ended.
But, this is something that happens in monogamous relationships, right? Maybe, because the rules and expectations necessarily need to be negotiated in the beginning of the relationship, this could foster better communication within the relationship. If all parties involved are good at that sort of thing.
I don't have any answers about how poly and non-monogamous relationships work, or if they do. It's different for everyone, because everything is different for everyone. And that's beautiful, it would be boring if everything were as black and white as a "one-size-fits-all" relationship model, or way of living.
Anyways, I think that everyone operates differently and some of us haven't figured out how we operate yet. That's ok too. When I figure out how I operate, I'll let you know, but right now I think I might experiment. That's what these years are for, figuring out who we are.
Identity is constantly changing, and the road to figuring out who you are is an adventure. Sometimes you have to take risks. This is how we grow, by challenging the norm and experimenting with the unknown. If we stop growing, we die. I'm not ready to stop growing, are you?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Queering Anorexia Nervosa and Domestic Violence: Lasting Impact
Experiences with interpersonal violence impact the survivor for the rest of their life.
Eating Disorders (not to be confused with disordered eating) are a lot like alcoholism, the individual with the disorder may be functional but they will always struggle with the disorder. It's an addiction to control.
This being said, it should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been having issues with my body lately. Even when you factor in that since going vegan 7is months ago I've lost 30 pounds. But still, it's tough.
I have this idea of what I think I should look like, and I'm not sure where it comes from. Granted, as my identity grows and evolves, so does this ideal me. But, the ideal me is always smaller and "more attractive" than I am. Catch me on a bad day and I can't eat because I am so far away from this ideal, I am so grossed out by my body on these bad days that I can't stand it. These days don't happen that often anymore.
Catch me on a good day and though I find myself attractive on these days, I'm still not comfortable with the difference between the ideal me and the real me. Some days we are very similar, but I still wish some things were different. I still wish some things were smaller, some things were bigger, more radiant, clearer, prettier. Me on a good day is probably no different than anyone else raised in this culture on a normal day.
And that's a huge problem, isn't it? We've been told, men, women, and everyone in between, that there is a way to be. We're told this from the moment we can understand images and television. So, that's part of the problem, and definitely part of what adds to my body dysphoria. Everyone deals with it.
And then, part of my personal dysphoria comes from the experiences I've had with domestic violence. He called me things related to my weight and image, that hurts, for a long time. See, words have a lasting effect, and those were words coming from somebody who said he loved me. I wasn't the only girl at my treatment center who had been in a domestic violence situation at some point before getting to that rock bottom place where we met.
All of this is common sense, yeah? But where does being queer come in, because that's what this is about. My current reality as a queer individual who happens to immerse hirself in queer culture, just due to the fact that I am a really social being and my friends also happen to be a part of the LGBT community.
So, how does my being queer affect who I am now and how I relate to this thing that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life?
Well, being queer complicates everything. It's tough because everything is so interlaced that I can never really figure out if some things are due to my eating disorder, or my experiences with domestic violence, or my queer identity or any number of things I have experienced in my life.
For instance, my ideal self right now is a thin, androgynous, flat chested individual. You can't tell if they are a boy or a girl. My current self is curvy like a river, or the goddess, and sometimes I'm fine with that. But sometimes, I just want to be that ideal, androgynous, version of myself. And I don't know how much of this ideal self has to do with my eating disorder, and how much has to do with my experimental identity as gender queer. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither, and maybe it's not worth thinking about. And maybe part of it is an internal need to not meet the standard that men find attractive because I don't want to attract attention from men like the one who abused me.
It's all so intertwined that I can't find where one begins and another ends. And that, I think is the way all of our lives are. Our experiences make us who we are, and are constantly influencing the way we think and relate to the world.
So, I may be experiencing something from the perspective of a survivor of domestic violence, but I'm also experiencing it from all these other angles of my identity and experience. As a queer person, as someone with an eating disorder, as a feminist, as a photographer and artist, as someone who loves music, as a vegan, etc. It's all balled into one, and it's always complicated.
Eating Disorders (not to be confused with disordered eating) are a lot like alcoholism, the individual with the disorder may be functional but they will always struggle with the disorder. It's an addiction to control.
This being said, it should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been having issues with my body lately. Even when you factor in that since going vegan 7is months ago I've lost 30 pounds. But still, it's tough.
I have this idea of what I think I should look like, and I'm not sure where it comes from. Granted, as my identity grows and evolves, so does this ideal me. But, the ideal me is always smaller and "more attractive" than I am. Catch me on a bad day and I can't eat because I am so far away from this ideal, I am so grossed out by my body on these bad days that I can't stand it. These days don't happen that often anymore.
Catch me on a good day and though I find myself attractive on these days, I'm still not comfortable with the difference between the ideal me and the real me. Some days we are very similar, but I still wish some things were different. I still wish some things were smaller, some things were bigger, more radiant, clearer, prettier. Me on a good day is probably no different than anyone else raised in this culture on a normal day.
And that's a huge problem, isn't it? We've been told, men, women, and everyone in between, that there is a way to be. We're told this from the moment we can understand images and television. So, that's part of the problem, and definitely part of what adds to my body dysphoria. Everyone deals with it.
And then, part of my personal dysphoria comes from the experiences I've had with domestic violence. He called me things related to my weight and image, that hurts, for a long time. See, words have a lasting effect, and those were words coming from somebody who said he loved me. I wasn't the only girl at my treatment center who had been in a domestic violence situation at some point before getting to that rock bottom place where we met.
All of this is common sense, yeah? But where does being queer come in, because that's what this is about. My current reality as a queer individual who happens to immerse hirself in queer culture, just due to the fact that I am a really social being and my friends also happen to be a part of the LGBT community.
So, how does my being queer affect who I am now and how I relate to this thing that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life?
Well, being queer complicates everything. It's tough because everything is so interlaced that I can never really figure out if some things are due to my eating disorder, or my experiences with domestic violence, or my queer identity or any number of things I have experienced in my life.
For instance, my ideal self right now is a thin, androgynous, flat chested individual. You can't tell if they are a boy or a girl. My current self is curvy like a river, or the goddess, and sometimes I'm fine with that. But sometimes, I just want to be that ideal, androgynous, version of myself. And I don't know how much of this ideal self has to do with my eating disorder, and how much has to do with my experimental identity as gender queer. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither, and maybe it's not worth thinking about. And maybe part of it is an internal need to not meet the standard that men find attractive because I don't want to attract attention from men like the one who abused me.
It's all so intertwined that I can't find where one begins and another ends. And that, I think is the way all of our lives are. Our experiences make us who we are, and are constantly influencing the way we think and relate to the world.
So, I may be experiencing something from the perspective of a survivor of domestic violence, but I'm also experiencing it from all these other angles of my identity and experience. As a queer person, as someone with an eating disorder, as a feminist, as a photographer and artist, as someone who loves music, as a vegan, etc. It's all balled into one, and it's always complicated.
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