Queering Anorexia Nervosa and Domestic Violence: Lasting Impact

Experiences with interpersonal violence impact the survivor for the rest of their life.

Eating Disorders (not to be confused with disordered eating) are a lot like alcoholism, the individual with the disorder may be functional but they will always struggle with the disorder. It's an addiction to control.

This being said, it should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been having issues with my body lately. Even when you factor in that since going vegan 7is months ago I've lost 30 pounds. But still, it's tough.

I have this idea of what I think I should look like, and I'm not sure where it comes from. Granted, as my identity grows and evolves, so does this ideal me. But, the ideal me is always smaller and "more attractive" than I am. Catch me on a bad day and I can't eat because I am so far away from this ideal, I am so grossed out by my body on these bad days that I can't stand it. These days don't happen that often anymore.

Catch me on a good day and though I find myself attractive on these days, I'm still not comfortable with the difference between the ideal me and the real me. Some days we are very similar, but I still wish some things were different. I still wish some things were smaller, some things were bigger, more radiant, clearer, prettier. Me on a good day is probably no different than anyone else raised in this culture on a normal day.

And that's a huge problem, isn't it? We've been told, men, women, and everyone in between, that there is a way to be. We're told this from the moment we can understand images and television. So, that's part of the problem, and definitely part of what adds to my body dysphoria. Everyone deals with it.

And then, part of my personal dysphoria comes from the experiences I've had with domestic violence. He called me things related to my weight and image, that hurts, for a long time. See, words have a lasting effect, and those were words coming from somebody who said he loved me. I wasn't the only girl at my treatment center who had been in a domestic violence situation at some point before getting to that rock bottom place where we met.

All of this is common sense, yeah? But where does being queer come in, because that's what this is about. My current reality as a queer individual who happens to immerse hirself in queer culture, just due to the fact that I am a really social being and my friends also happen to be a part of the LGBT community.

So, how does my being queer affect who I am now and how I relate to this thing that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life?

Well, being queer complicates everything. It's tough because everything is so interlaced that I can never really figure out if some things are due to my eating disorder, or my experiences with domestic violence, or my queer identity or any number of things I have experienced in my life.

For instance, my ideal self right now is a thin, androgynous, flat chested individual. You can't tell if they are a boy or a girl. My current self is curvy like a river, or the goddess, and sometimes I'm fine with that. But sometimes, I just want to be that ideal, androgynous, version of myself. And I don't know how much of this ideal self has to do with my eating disorder, and how much has to do with my experimental identity as gender queer. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither, and maybe it's not worth thinking about. And maybe part of it is an internal need to not meet the standard that men find attractive because I don't want to attract attention from men like the one who abused me.

It's all so intertwined that I can't find where one begins and another ends. And that, I think is the way all of our lives are. Our experiences make us who we are, and are constantly influencing the way we think and relate to the world.

So, I may be experiencing something from the perspective of a survivor of domestic violence, but I'm also experiencing it from all these other angles of my identity and experience. As a queer person, as someone with an eating disorder, as a feminist, as a photographer and artist, as someone who loves music, as a vegan, etc. It's all balled into one, and it's always complicated.

Queering Annorexia Nervosa and Domestic Violence: My Coming Out Story

*trigger warning for Domestic Violence*

So, I've known that I was "different" since I was ten. And by different, I mean that I knew I was queer, but I didn't have a word for it. I knew I had a crush on Belle in Beauty and The Beast, I was always into the smart girls. Still am. I also knew, when I was ten, that I was supposed to have a crush on The Beast, after true love changed him back into a handsome man, of course. At some point, I figured that there was something wrong.

This idea comes from the very christian home I grew up in. For the longest time, my parents would preach that either you're straight or you're going to hell. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. All that stuff, so when I figured out that the closest word I had for my crush on Belle was GAY, I freaked out. There was really something wrong with me, and that something would send me to hell.

So, I did everything in my power to change it. In middle school, I would flirt with the boys my friends found attractive. I even dated a few of them, just to prove that I wasn't that horrible thing my parents told me about. To prove that I wasn't gay. I was one of the popular girls of our middle school, I worked hard for that. Nobody asked the popular girls too many questions.

Then came High School. Naive, 14 year old, me got herself a boyfriend who was a senior. He was drum major and a drug dealer, and it was perfect. He was the guy that all the girls wanted, so of course I was happy. Nobody would even think to question my sexuality as long as I played along.

At some point, playing along stopped being worth it. He was jealous, he thought I spent too much time with my friends, he told me I was fat and ugly, he told me I was stupid, he told me I was worthless, he told me he was the only person who would ever love me. He broke me down to less than human. And by then, I was stuck. I was addicted to the drugs he was selling me. And I believed him.

Who would love me? I'm worthless, and I'm a lesbian. Even God can't love me.

It seems unbelievable now, but so many victims go through such similar thought processes when they're in situations like this. The abuse was so normal by the time he started hitting me, it was almost as if I expected it. I believed that I deserved it. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. I couldn't do anything at all.

That was the worst part for me. I needed to find something to control. I had been obsessively dieting and trying to lose weight since the third grade. I became even more obsessive about it, as a way to gain some semblance of control. It consumed my life, at least when I wasn't trying to make him happy.

He left after he graduated, went into the army. But that didn't stop me from feeling out of control. My drug use got worse, I tuned out, and I lost it. I went into a state of being incredibly promiscuous, still trying to prove to everyone and myself that I was straight but also trying to find some self worth in the arms of a one night stand. Nothing mattered, and nothing changed anything. Still no control.

As I continued to starve myself, I became emaciated to the point where I could not hide it. People who cared about me started to really start to question if something was wrong. My parents finally intervened and took me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and sent to an inpatient facility specific to eating disorders. I was in treatment for 3 months.

In treatment, I learned so much about loving myself and putting myself first. It wasn't all about my eating disorder, a lot of it had to do with the things that he had convinced me of, and the things I had convinced myself. I started to come to terms with being queer, and decided to stop putting up with my own bullshit.

When I got out of treatment, I transferred schools. Everyone thought that would be a good idea, and it was. I found myself in a group of supportive friends who didn't give a shit about my sexual orientation. So I came out to my friends at school. And everybody already knew.

It wasn't until my senior year that I fell out of the closet to my parents... but that is a whole other story.

Forget the Bullshit for a Seccond

So, I'm pretty pro-responsible use of drugs. This can include anything from alcohol/marijuana to more illicit drugs like LSD and MDMA. And what I really appreciate about these drugs is the ability to put the user in a state of living in the moment.

This is so important because we get so involved in our plans to break down the systems of oppression, our personal drama, and even studies and work that we never get the chance to experience that we are in an amazing community. This statement for me comes from my unique position as a member of the LGBTQ community as well as the Feminist community but it goes for both.

We have these amazing support systems in both of these communities who are there to support us when things get shitty and I think I, at least, take it for granted way too often. I have some of the most amazing friends who are always there for me, and always put up with my bullshit.

So, what I'm trying to say is that we need to enjoy the moment. Drugs or not, there are amazing things happening around us and it would be such a shame for us to miss it while waiting for our rights to come in. They will come in time, and keep working towards them... but take a breath and dance with the energy of the universe. If we don't take a second to enjoy it, we'll get burned out. And then we'll get nowhere.

You're homework for the week is to take some time to enjoy life. Don't worry about anything, just be in the moment. I promise you won't regret it.

Some gender neutral pronouns to consider

So, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, gender neutral pronouns are tough to implement and use. This is partially because they are clunky and not well explained and partially because the queer community cannot agree on one set of gender neutral pronouns to use. Everyone likes a different set for different reasons.

For a while, I was liking "co" as a gender neutral pronoun because it's pretty user friendly and it works easily. However, as I continue to ruminate over the problems with pronouns I was made aware of the fact that "co" is a secondary term. Co-worker, co-president, co-operation, blank and co. There is no personhood with this term. Just a thought.

The other night at the pub, my friends and I were talking about this problem. My friend Jason is basically fluent in Latin, and he conjugated ze for us. It has become user friendly. We did it with some variation from the traditional ze/hir pronoun set but it would work both ways. I'll explain it with ze/hir.

pronoun usage 101:

If you would use she/he, use ze
If you would use her/him, use hir
If you would use hers/his, use either ze's or hir's

Easy, right? The variation we used at the pub goes like this:

If you would use she/he, use ze
If you would use hers/his, use zir
If you would use her/him, use zim or zer.

What I like about this is that zir does not sound like any other words in the English language the way the that hir when pronounced the way I know how sounds like "here". What I don't like is that for him/her the pronouns still follow the gendered pronouns, just with a z instead of an h. I can see using zir for this instance, just like in the example with ze/hir.

It still needs some work, and let's be honest, not everyone will agree with me but it's beginning to make more sense to me. What do you think?

Lesbians on TV: Transphobia on The L Word

This is another one of those cases where the first couple seasons of the show did an alright job of doing the story lines of diverse characters justice, and then it all went to shit.

Ivan is a recurring character in season 2. He is portrayed as a drag king at first, performing with a drag king group, but also presenting as a man full time. My understanding of the character is that he is either trans or genderqueer.

Ivan and Kit find themselves attracted to each other, even though Kit is "straight" and, according to other characters, Ivan is a lesbian. This doesn't stop the two of them until Kit goes over to Ivan's apartment earlier than expected and see's Ivan's strap-on and then his naked, female, body. Ivan is so distraught and infuriated by this experience that he flees the city. I think, in this instance, the writers of The L Word did a good job of portraying real trans* experiences. At least from my limited experience. Yay writers!

But then, they really screwed up. Let me introduce Moira, a new main character starting in season 3, when she (at the time) has an affair with Jenny. Jenny went to crazy camp after having a breakdown, and met Moira in her hometown. They road tripped back to L.A. And Moira lives in the garage turned apartment behind jenny's house.

Moira is an FTM trans* man, and has known this since before he was on the show. Being in L.A. Gives him the blank slate he needs to start transition, and so he announces that he will be going by the name Max from now on. This is good, for a little while I thought they would do a good job with his transition. The problem is that the writers didn't do their research.

So Max starts taking testosterone, without a prescription or doctor supervision. He's taking too high of a dosage and becomes super aggressive and angry. He is physically violent and hurts Jenny. Ok, this is something that can happen with testosterone, it's also a stereotype about men. Max then goes to a trans* support group, is told that he's taking too high of a dosage, lowers his dosage, and everything is better. He's calm and rational and everything is alright. Because that's oh so realistic. Really? Things like that are not so easy.

When a trans* person transitions, especially at later ages, they have to undo and then redo puberty. Even on a correct dosage, that shit's tough, and emotions can get out of hand. Think about 12-15 year olds going through puberty, are they sane? At all? No, and many of them are not dealing with the same type of dysphoria that a trans* individual is.

Moving on, when Max starts to have feelings for a gay man, because said man treats him "like a man." Cool, now Max identifies as gay. Um... really? Part of this comes from a good place. A lot of trans* men can get hurt over lesbians who date/have sex with them for all the wrong reasons, like the lack of a penis. Some of these lesbians see the trans* men as really butch lesbians. This is not OK. BUT not all trans* men turn out to be gay men, and if they do turn out to be gay men, it's because they are attracted to men, not because they don't like the way lesbians treat them.

So, Max, who was attracted to women pre-transition, is now attracted to only men. He gets pregnant. Yeah, it happens but this turn in the story came right after the media blitz about the "pregnant man." Same story, but in real life. And because this real life story was so sensationalized, it became a stereotype for trans men.

So they took this sensationalized story and gave it to Max so he could deal with his upcoming "motherhood" (yeah, they all called it that. Not fatherhood, motherhood.) instead of focusing on showing a normal guy who just happens to be trans*, or, god forbid, show an accurate representation of his transition.

The thing is, the writers of shows like The L Word and Queer as Folk have the responsibility to show something relatable because many young LGBT folk who are just figuring out their identities don't have access to resources like an LGBT center or gay bars and these shows are their first experience with anything LGBT other than themselves, and maybe a few peers. And I don't think the writers of The L Word did a very good job.

The Bathroom Just Got Educational

*Originally published in MetroState's Institute For Women's Studies and Services Newsletter, written by me.*


Have you gone to the restroom on campus lately? If you have, you might have noticed that The Phoenix Center at Auraria has a new way to get information about resources out, called The Bathroom Campaign. Over winter break, staff and volunteers from The Phoenix Center at Auraria and The Institute for Women’s Studies and Services installed frames in approximately 145 bathroom stalls across campus, with at least one set of restrooms in each building. The frames hold flyers with information about upcoming events, facts and statistics about interpersonal violence (Relationship Violence, Sexual Assault, and Stalking) and resources offered at The Phoenix Center at Auraria, such as the 24/7 helpline.

The process to gain special permission for this project began last summer when staff from The Institute and The Phoenix Center approached The Auraria Higher Education Center (AHEC) about receiving special permission to place the frames in bathroom stalls. The rationale is based upon the fact that there is very little privacy on the campus, which limits a survivor’s access to critical support information. The bathroom stall is the one place where an individual may be apt to read pertinent information about interpersonal violence services. Access to this crucial information, in a confidential way, may prompt a survivor to take a bigger step by writing down the phone number for the helpline and reaching out. Placing the signage on a bathroom stall door is significantly more effective and desirable than placing a sign in the bathroom itself by the sinks. In this case, a survivor would be seen reading the information or taking down a number and this lack of privacy will inhibit their choice to take the information. Similar bathroom marketing campaigns exist in a number of institutions across the country and they all report great success. Additionally, the campus bathrooms serve individuals (faculty, staff and students) from all three institutions, as well as AHEC, and thus this approach fulfills the Four-Institutional mission of The PCA and reach a wide audience.

As far as marketing goes, bathroom signs are wonderful because people will read them, what else would they do on the toilet? The average person uses the restroom at least 2-5 times per day; chances are that a good amount of those times will happen on campus. The signs will be seen and read, and the information will get out. And because there is at least one set of bathrooms in each building with these signs, we’re reaching the entire diverse campus community. And they can’t easily avoid it.

The most important aspect of The Bathroom Campaign though, is the confidentiality. A bathroom stall is one of the most private places on campus, therefore, the risk that somebody might see a survivor taking down information, the way they might if the signs were in a common area of the bathroom, is non-existent. This puts the survivor in a safe situation where they can consider The Phoenix Center at Auraria as an option for support either through the helpline or in-office advocacy. This privacy is especially important considering the rampant cultural norms of victim blaming and shame around interpersonal violence in our current society.

There is a list of departments we need to thank for this innovative way to get information to our campus community. The offices who sponsor The Phoenix Center at Auraria for The Bathroom Campaign are: The Institute for Women’s Studies and Services, Campus Recreation @ Auraria, UCD Student Life, UCD Community Standards and Wellness, and CCD Student Life and The Auraria Higher Education Center.

Lesbians on TV: Biphobia in The L Word

The first couple seasons of The L Word had a lot of promise, at least when it came to being inclusive of diverse identities. One of the main characters I mentioned in the last post, Alice, started out as a proud bisexual character. And she got a lot of shit for it from her friends. If I remember correctly, in the pilot episode, Alice is asked when she is going to "pick a side." she says that she is looking for the same things in a man as she is in a woman, and that is a legit statement for many people who identify as bisexual. However, after Alice makes this statement, her friends make a joke about it.

Even so, at least at this point, Alice is proud to be bi and she sticks to the identity. And then it changes. But first, let's visit another storyline where a character experiments with bisexuality.

Tina, who at the beginning of the show, has been with her partner Bette for a very long time. In, about season 3 or 4, Tina starts having feelings for a man and leaves Bette for this possibility. She is ostracized within her community for having taken "heterosexual privilege" and being with a man.

Even Alice, the former proud bisexual, admits that she thinks bisexuality is gross, and she doesn't know how she ever identified as such.

Can we all agree that this sucks? Biphobia sucks a whole lot, and completely undermines the whole point of fighting for LGBT rights. You know, the right to love whoever you love, and be attracted to whoever you're attracted to? Unless you're bisexual or otherwise sexually fluid. Then you need to choose a side.

This instance is more than just a television show being stupid, as television shows often are, it is a television show perpetuating a very real problem that exists within the LGBT community.

Many members of the lesbian and gay communities have the same rigid idea of sexuality being black or white, gay or straight, as many heterosexual individuals have. Many see bisexuality as a stepping stone to "really coming out." Maybe there's some jealousy because someone who identifies as bisexual can sometimes have heteronormative relationships. I don't know, and quite honestly, I don't care.

As a movement, we are going to get nowhere if we keep denying the legitimacy of those who exist within our community.

I don't think it matters how you identify, that's your identity and your business, but that should go for everyone. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, fluid, or straight, it's just a sexual orientation. Get over it and move on.

We're fighting with society to have the right to be with whoever we want, without the constraints of social constructs. That's the "gay agenda"," right? So, we shouldn't have to fight within our own community to have the same thing.